Figuring out loyalty, especially in relationships, can be tough. Sometimes, people might seem trustworthy on the outside but lack true loyalty underneath. So, how do you tell the difference?
I’m Tina Fey, founder of the Love Connection blog and a relationship expert. After years of studying how people behave, I’ve learned to spot signs that someone might not be as loyal as they appear.
Loyalty isn’t just about big actions; it’s the small, consistent things that really show a person’s true character.
In this article, I’ll share eight signs that can help you identify someone who might not be as loyal as they seem. Let’s take a closer look.
1) They’re Inconsistent
Consistency is a major indicator of loyalty. It’s about showing up, being reliable, and maintaining the same values over time.
However, some people seem trustworthy on the surface, but their actions and words don’t align. One day they may be supportive and caring, the next they’re distant and dismissive.
Inconsistency can be quite confusing, leaving you unsure of where you stand with them. This kind of unpredictability is a red flag when it comes to loyalty.
2) They Avoid Tough Conversations
Open and honest communication is the bedrock of any lasting relationship. But not everyone is up for the tough talks.
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I’ve noticed in my years of relationship coaching that people who shy away from difficult conversations often struggle with loyalty. It’s as if they’re guarding a secret or avoiding accountability.
When someone consistently steers clear of deep or hard discussions, it may be because they’re hiding something. Or perhaps they’re just not invested enough to work through the challenges.
As the great American poet and civil rights activist Maya Angelou wisely said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
If someone shows you they’re not willing to engage in tough conversations, it might be a sign they’re not truly loyal.
3) They’re Always On The Take
Healthy relationships are about give and take. But what happens when someone is always on the receiving end, rarely giving back?
In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I talk extensively about the importance of balance in relationships.
And one sign that someone might not be as loyal as they seem is if they’re always taking – whether it’s your time, your energy, or your resources – without giving back in equal measure.
Loyalty means being there for each other, supporting each other, and contributing to the relationship. It’s not just about what you can get from the other person.
4) They’re Overly Agreeable
This one might seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t agreement a good thing in relationships? Well, not always.
Believe it or not, someone who agrees with everything you say and never challenges you might not be as loyal as you think.
Sure, we all like to be agreed with, but a loyal person will tell you the truth, even when it’s not what you want to hear. They care enough about you to point out when you’re wrong or when they think there’s a better way to do things.
As a relationship expert, I’ve seen that people who are overly agreeable often do so to avoid conflict or to keep the peace. But that’s not loyalty. That’s people-pleasing.
True loyalty involves honest communication and sometimes, that means disagreeing and having tough conversations.
5) They’re too quick to make promises
Now, this might sound a little strange. You’d think someone who’s quick to make promises is showing their commitment, right? Not always.
In my years of navigating relationships both personally and professionally, I’ve observed that people who are too quick to make promises often struggle with follow-through. It’s as though they use grand promises as a way to appear loyal without actually having to prove it with their actions.
Loyalty isn’t about what is said, it’s about what is done. Promises are easy to make but loyalty is proven through consistent actions over time.
6. They’re Secretive About Their Past
We all have a past, and it’s not always something we’re proud of. But when someone is overly secretive about their past, it can be a red flag when it comes to loyalty.
Let’s face it, we’ve all made mistakes. A loyal person, however, is willing to share those mistakes because they trust you and want to be honest with you. They understand that their past has shaped who they are today and are willing to share that journey with you.
If someone is reluctant or flat out refuses to discuss their past, it could. mean they have something to hide or they’re not fully invested in the relationship. It takes a certain level of trust and loyalty to open up about our past and if someone isn’t willing to do that, it can raise questions about their loyalty.
7) They Often Cancel Plans At The Last Minute
I’ve learned over time that how someone values your time says a lot about their loyalty. Consistently cancelling plans at the last minute is a sign that they may not value your time or the relationship as much as they should.
We all have to cancel plans sometimes life happens. But when it becomes a pattern, it can be a sign of a deeper issue.
As the famous philosopher, William Penn once said, “Time is what we want most, but what we use worst.” When someone continuously cancels on you, they are showing that they don’t respect your time.
8) They Gossip About Others To You
This is a raw, albeit uncomfortable truth: if someone is willing to gossip about others with you, they’re likely willing to gossip about you with others.
While it may initially feel like you’re being let in on a secret or being trusted with confidential information, the reality is that this behavior can be a red flag when it comes to loyalty.